What I'm Learning | 11 Things I'm Reflecting On - Summer 2023

June, July, and August. 2023. 

Summer 2023 found me asking myself these questions: What do you love to do? What gives you purpose? Who are you? What are you all about? 

I found myself not knowing the answers to these questions, and that was a scary place to be. 

In no particular order, here are 11 things I learned and reflected on this summer: 

We all worry. We all worry about the unknown. We all have fears. Fears and worries thrive in the unknown and the uncertain.

 

Love takes a sustained intentional effort. It does not just fall in your lap. It requires all of you and more. It requires selflessness. Compromise. Humility. Patience. So much patience. An unrelenting desire to keep choosing one another. It is not just a feeling. It is an action, a deliberate choice.

 

I am human. I will make mistakes. And I have the freedom and the room to make mistakes. To grow. To err. To have a growth mindset not a perfection mindset.

Love is about what you can give, it's not about what you can take or what's in it for you.

Give me today my daily bread - meaning it is okay to ask from God. To receive. In order to receive, you have to ask first. Just bread enough for today. Not tomorrow’s, not this week’s, not this month’s. Just today. It is okay to ask God for what I need. To ask on behalf of others.

None of us is always at our best. We are all a little hard to love, neurotic. God still loves us despite how difficult we are.

It is important to play. To be a child again. To let my inner child be free to roam, play, get messy, roll around in the grass, and to make mistakes. The Ed Sheeran concert reminded me of how nice it is to just let loose and just be. Stop thinking and just be. 

One hour calls with close friends are a soothing balm for my soul. One hour is the sweet spot. Any longer than that, and my social battery dies. 

Time with myself is healing and necessary and sacred. Spending time with others is meaningful and fulfilling. When you’re still enough and stop for a second, you hear things and realize things and connect the dots. The voice inside can then speak. It can’t speak if I’m always busy or always with people. Time with myself is valuable and needed in my rhythms of life, no matter how much I think or believe otherwise. I rediscovered the joy and freedom and lightness and fulfillment in spending time with myself. It's been a long time since I enjoyed time with myself. 

Turning screens off earlier is something I should probably be doing to feel sleepier. 

8 Things I'm Learning This Spring 2023

 1. I think the theme of the last few months is connection. Connection is the antidote to shame. Connection is what I crave, what we all crave and need. I didn't realize how much I've been missing and needing connection. I need it, we need it. We need each other.

2. I cannot pour from an empty cup.

3. I want a space to pour out my own hurt and pain and the questions I have, the things I'm trying to figure out, and the questions I don't have answers to.

4. I crave wisdom. Guidance. Someone older than me who has walked the road before me. I want to lean on the lived wisdom of someone older and wiser than me, or at least someone who is in a different stage of life than me.

5. I want to pursue creative things. To put something out there in the world for no other reason than because I wanted to create that thing.

6. I am human. I don't have all of the answers or solutions. Sometimes there is no fix for pain. No fix for brokenness. No fix for anxiety. No fix for the brokenness in this world. And one person cannot be expected to fix everything. 

Context on the photo below: I ran my first ever 10k this past spring! I was sore for 4 days afterwards, but it was worth it. I actually did it! 

7. I think we tend to think the future is going to look like our present, when, in fact, the future is going to be different than our present reality. In six months, I will be different than the me I am today. I am also not the same me I was six months ago. We project our present onto our future, but that’s usually not accurate. Maybe I need to remember that I am changing. I will not stay the same, even if my circumstances and surroundings do. I will change. I have changed. 

8. No relationship can ever make you feel complete. Your relationship is not supposed to complete you. We have a hole in our hearts that no one and nothing can completely fill. A relationship with God and a relationship with myself is the missing piece. 

8 Things I'm Learning this Winter 2023

1. It's okay to amend your plan. 

Your timeline. Your intricately planned out plan. 

It's okay to move and shift things around. 

You won't be the same every single day. Your body will change. Your interests will change. Your moods will change. What bothered you one day won't bother you as much the next. It's okay to flow and adapt as you change and as life changes around you. 

You are allowed to change your mind. Things do not have to be fixed. You are allowed to evolve.

 2. "Show up as yourself."

- Luvvie Jones

Being who we are is easier than being who we are not.

Life feels lighter and freer when we get to be our true selves, show up as our real selves, and be accepted for who we truly are.

Enough with the masks. 

3. I can do everything the “right” way and still might not get the outcome that I was hoping for. 

Things might not happen according to the way I wanted them to. Even if I did everything “right”. Even if I did all the right things. Even if I followed all the rules. Even if I adhered to the agreed upon routine, the protocol.

That’s not how life works.

Sometimes, you can do all the "right" things, and life still goes completely the opposite of how you hoped it would. 

Growth is being able to accept this truth about life, yet still keep on moving forward. It's a never ending lifelong journey, that's for sure. 

 4. The present is not a past in power. 

It is a moment of choice and decision. The past was not meant to be a life sentence. It does not define you. However, in some cases, it can be a lesson to learn from.   

We are not in 2022 anymore. 

Just because it happened that way in the past or the previous time, does not necessarily mean it will happen that way in the future. You’re forgetting how you’ve changed and grown, how the world around you also has changed. 

We're now in 2023. Leave the past in the past, but don't forget how it has shaped you into the person you are today. 

5. Sunlight and a short walk is powerful.

6. Your emotions are trying to tell you something. 

Sometimes, they are there to move you to action. 

7. Female friendships are a gift.

Yes, and amen. 

8. I really like Cathy Park Hong’s book Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning. 

I love her directness, her honesty, and her unabashed intent to write to an Asian audience. I was surprised that she got to the point so quickly, but I later realized that I was drawn to that very aspect of her writing.

I had initially heard of Minor Feelings I think back in 2021 from an Instagram post where someone quoted from the book and I saved the post. It was something about how working harder doesn't get us the seat at the table or visibility. As Asian Americans, we're often invisible, and I like how Hong points that out and states so poetically what many of us haven't yet found the words to say about our experience in America. 

I've realized that I respect writers who aren't afraid to get into topics of racism, class differences, and reckoning with our nation's past. How did I not start reading this book sooner? 

8 Things I'm Learning this Fall 2022

I've decided to start sharing what I've been learning each season. I have to give credit to writer and author Emily P. Freeman for the idea. I've been a huge fan of her work and podcast for years now. Even though the prompt is simple, I've found that the practice of reflecting on and writing down what I've been learning every 90 days can be a way to see who I am becoming, amidst the hills and valleys of life. It helps me to make meaning of my experiences. There's something life-giving about thinking about our experiences in terms of what we're learning and who we're becoming. I encourage you to give it a try.  

The months don't perfectly line up with the seasons, but we're just gonna go with it. Fall 2022 covers September, October, and November. 

1. Dealing and grappling with uncertainty and the future is pretty much always anxiety-inducing and downright scary. 

It is worrying to not be able to know what the future will hold. And maybe that’s okay. We can keep on moving forward despite the uncertainty.

2. Banishing the word ‘never’ from my vocabulary is a good idea. 

A small shift in the way I talk to myself can have a big impact. The word ‘never’ sounds so final and it kills any possibility of change or hope.

photo credit: Sarah Crosby of The Mind Geek 

3. Self-sufficiency is a myth. 

You never get to where you are completely on your own. We’ve all received help and support throughout our lives from our friends, family, community, colleagues, mentors, professors - the list goes go on and on. I can’t claim that I got here on my own, as much as my brain sometimes tricks me into thinking.   

 

I have friends who genuinely want to help without expecting anything in return. That has been so humbling. It’s made me rethink my relationship with asking for and accepting help.

 

Friends have gently reminded me that it can be a blessing for others when they get the opportunity to help without receiving anything in return. I’m learning to let others help, without trying to think about what I can do for them in return. To my friends and family and church community, you know who you are. Thank you with all of my heart.

 

4. There’s nothing wrong with needing others. 

But there is a difference between codependence, independence, and a healthy interdependence. We’re social beings and it’s normal to need community, companionship, friendship, to be known, and to know others. Shoutout to Instagram for dropping these truth bombs.

5. Advocate for yourself. 

Advocate, advocate, advocate. If you don’t speak up for yourself, no one else will. You have to say something. If you don’t speak up, they’ll never know, and you won’t be closer to getting what it is that you need or want.

6. If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. 

And if you do ask, there’s a chance the answer could be no. But that’s okay. You did the brave thing, and that’s what counts.

 

7. Everyone is fighting a hard battle that you know nothing of. 

So be kind. We’re all going through something.

photo credit: Hannah Brencher's Instagram 

 

7. Done is better than perfect. 

Always. So just get the first draft out there. Start where you are, with what you have. The world does not need perfect. It needs you to do your best and just be human. Getting the task or project done is more important than waiting until it is perfect. Perfection is an illusion and you'll never reach "perfect". 

8. I’m learning to trust my future self to face future problems. 

Obstacles and challenges that will inevitably come up down the road. After moving twice this year, I am learning that I am more resourceful, adaptable, and resilient than I thought I was. If I had known what I would have to face in advance, I never would have thought or imagined that I would be able to get through it. There’s power in trusting your future self to face future problems when they come up. 

Celebrating Five Years in Chicago

September 14, 2022 marks my five-year anniversary in Chicago. Five years ago, I moved into the city on a humid, late summer day. 

Ironically, after college, I didn’t want anything to do with another big city. I wanted to live in a medium sized town after spending almost four years in Los Angeles. I wanted a change of pace. I wanted to slow down and be in a quieter environment. 

I was deciding in between a few different cities for grad school. At the time, Louisville or Denver seemed like good options. But I remember distinctly that my dad urged me to consider what I would be saying no to if I turned down UChicago. "You can't say no to a place like Chicago, Jen." My dad and I visited for the first time in April and that sealed the deal. 

Five years later, I’m glad that I said yes back in the spring of 2017.  I’m not sure that anything could have prepared me for what the next five years would bring. I’m glad that I didn’t know in advance what I was signing up for. If I had known about all of the challenges, struggles, valleys, highs and lows, hardships, snowpocalypses, and days in which the weather was in the single digits that I would experience, I don’t think I would have signed on the dotted line. 

 

I suppose that’s how life works. None of us can really say for certain what tomorrow will bring. But we have to make decisions and step forward in faith. We have to take ownership of our choices. 

Chicago is the first city I lived in post-college, and it is the place where I feel like I have grown into myself. So, whether the growth, self-discovery, and becoming can be specifically attributed to this city, or whether it's simply a result of being here post-college, I am grateful for the ways that Chicago holds a special place in my journey and has impacted me. 

In the spirit of anniversaries and reflecting on the past, here are some things I’ve learned about myself since moving to Chicago:  

 

I like living near a large body of water. 

Doesn't matter if it's an ocean, a lake, or something in between. I feel like I need to live near a body of water for the rest of my life. Being by the water is my happy place and always feels cathartic and therapeutic. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve prayed, cried, had epiphanies, and found clarity and strength to make a decision I had to make when I was at the lake.

I've come to appreciate having four seasons. 

I appreciate spring, summer, and fall, so much more now after living through a few midwestern winters. Living here has helped me to appreciate summer so much more than I used to. It’s also been character-building. Winters are no joke and they are not for the faint of heart. But I kind of like how they force us to slow down, hibernate, and focus inward for a season.

I've become more passionate about running as a hobby. 

After I ran my first 5k race on a whim, just for fun, in November 2018, I was bitten by the running bug. It was energizing to run alongside so many other Chicagoans, and I felt accomplished after finishing the race, no matter my pace. Living right next to the lakefront trail during my first three years here made running so accessible and fun. The 18.5 mile long walking/running/biking trail is one of my favorite things about this city and I'm so glad that the city was designed with the public enjoyment of the parks in mind. 

Advice I’d give to someone moving to Chicago

Explore neighborhoods outside of the one you live in. Every neighborhood is so different. They each have their own culture and vibe. Don’t limit yourself to the neighborhood or part of the city that you live in. And don’t listen to the people who tell you to never go south of Chinatown for fear that you will be in danger. There’s so much to see and explore beyond the invisible lines that we draw.

 

Thank you, Chicago, for all the adventures and growth, even if I did fall flat on my face a few times in the process. Thank you for forcing me to learn street smarts. I'm thankful for the friends, friends who became like family, colleagues, and mentors I've crossed paths with here. I can’t wait to see how the journey continues to unfold.

9 Things I'm Learning this Summer 2022

I know this is much belated, but I'm glad I'm showing up and still sharing. Sometimes we have the bandwidth to write and share, and other times, we keep our ideas and thoughts on our notes app, and share belatedly once the storms in our lives have mostly passed. This is one of those times. 

Here's what I learned this past summer 2022: 

1. I learned that it’s okay to leave something that isn’t working anymore.

You'll know when it's time. 

 

2. My mental and physical health are more important than any temporary setback.

3. It is important to move your body. 

Emotions and traumatic memories can easily become trapped in the body if we don’t intentionally move. Even a short walk around the block is better than no walk. Walking at least 5,000 steps a day makes me happier.

4. I enjoy making matcha lattes as part of my morning routine. 

I bought some matcha in March 2022 when I was trying to quit coffee and after swearing that I would never be someone who enjoys matcha (it honestly tasted like grass to me for the longest time). Fast forward to August 2022, I somehow started making matcha lattes at home with oat milk, and I was hooked. I’ve discovered that in addition to the taste of the drink, I like the ritual of making the drink. It’s so simple, but it’s something that helps me get ready for the day and brings some sense of routine to my days, which felt anything but consistent and predictable this past summer.

5.  I still love Lifehouse. 

Two songs I was really into this past summer were Sick Cycle Carousel and Whatever It Takes. I don’t know how I never really listened to Sick Cycle Carousel back in my angsty teen days, but I heard the song one day over the summer and was just obsessed with the melody. Spotify knows how many times I played this song on repeat; it’s almost embarrassing, but I’m not ashamed. I think I’ll always have a special place in my heart for alternative rock and pop from the early to mid 2000’s, and I’m perfectly okay with that.

6. Worrying is not my job. 

No amount of worrying will directly impact the outcome, even though our brains tell us that, historically, worrying excessively usually meant that everything turned out okay. Because more often than not, the worst-case scenario in our minds does not end up happening. It’s okay to feel worried, but ultimately, it’s not a place to camp out at.

7.  Moving is hard. 

Give yourself a lot of grace, and then a lot more. There is no time limit for how long it takes to feel settled in.

8.  Advocate for yourself. 

If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. If you don’t speak up, then no one else will. But there is a way to speak up kindly and politely.

9. I make decisions that align with who I am and what I care about when I listen to both my heart and my head.

Something I decided this past summer was that I'm not ready to leave this beautiful city yet. I took the photo above on a splendid summer day, but inside I was torn. I was anything but at peace and I wasn't able to truly enjoy how beautiful the day was. I didn't know what my next steps would look like, but I knew that something in my heart and my gut was telling me to stay. Even if nothing in my life felt like it was working out and everything felt downright awful. Even if it would be a long time before I felt truly settled in my home. I wish I could go into all the detail, but some details are too painful to share. 

I'm glad I leaned into both the logical reasons to move and stay, and what my heart had to say as well. It took time, but I think without that sustained effort to think things through, I might not have landed on my answer with such clarity. Sometimes, our tears have something to tell us. And it is through my own tears on that absolutely fine summer day that I felt them telling me that I have something good here, and I don't want to say goodbye to it yet. 

What have you been learning lately?